When we meet someone, as I explained to you in the previous meetings, we meet a complete clan, therefore a complete system. Since this person joins our history and since this person is in our life because it fits wonderfully well with our history, this person has the wonderful capacity to press our red buttons.
I'm sure you've often said, "She gets me off my back, it's crazy!" When you were single, it's funny, you didn't have any issue with that. And as soon as you get into a relationship, it comes back and it squeezes your nerves inside, often making you angry and seeing everything upside down, or making you completely angry. This is normal. It's normal because that's the role of a life partner. It may sound strange to say, but that's what it is.
When I have unresolved stuff at home, necessarily the other will press on it unconsciously. The other person is not doing this against us, it is not done with the intention of hurting us. The first secret is not to make it a personal story and to have the lucidity, the reflex to say "how come it comes to me so much?" And there, you have to go and dig inside yourself; see the first exercise I gave you in making the list and make the connection with your parents, you can see it in the other capsule; and see where it comes from. Because there is necessarily a link. If it raises so much anger, sadness or confusion inside you, it is necessarily because it is linked to a wound. So, it is important to go and see what this wound is in order to deal with it.
Because the reflex, too often, is that I attack my partner by blaming him or her when, in fact, it has nothing to do with it. Your life partner is just reflecting back to you what's not working here, but it has nothing to do with your partner as such, it's just that it's lifting, it's pushing the button on your wound. So, first step to do: take a step back, go and see what it's coming to who, and the situation won't have to happen again. When you change the internal experience, automatically the extreme experience changes.
