In fact, there are three phases to the relationship. There is the relationship 1 + 1 = 1. This is what we call the phase of limerence, the moment when we realize that we are in fusion and everything is "us": "we like to travel", "we want to have children", "we like the countryside", "we like to go on adventures", etc. And then, after this phase, because during this phase it is incredible, everything is beautiful, everything is wonderful, comes the phase 1 + 1 = 1. And then, after this phase, because during this phase it is incredible, everything is beautiful, everything is wonderful, comes the phase 1 + 1 = 2. 1 + 1 = 2, it is there is me and there is you, I have needs and you have needs. And there, we realize that our needs that we qualified as us, our interests that we qualified as us, are perhaps different from each other.
Often, the relationship stops there because we can't recognize the difference of the other. We often want the relationship to remain fused. But the identity, the individuality in the couple is as important as the couple. So "we want children" becomes "I want one", "I want six". And "we like to travel" becomes "I like to travel with a pack and you like all-inclusives". The "we like adventure and the outdoors" is that one is considering Kilimanjaro, but the other is the little walk in the neighborhood. The differences are often big and it becomes confronting, even more so if our differences are precisely on points like children and values that are very important to us.
If we manage to transgress this period, of 1 + 1 = 2, that we recognize the authenticity of the other, the uniqueness of the other and that we have a complement, therefore your needs, my needs and it is perfect, we can then arrive at the third phase which is 1 + 1 = 3. And that is extraordinary. And there, there is you, there is me and there is the relationship. This relationship is a person in its own right, like you and me, it has needs, just as we each have needs. And there, the problem is going to be to make sure that we, together, you and me, nourish the new relationship.
There are seven needs of the relationship. Basically, the seven needs, what are they? First, I need to be seen as I am, to be recognized as I am. If I'm athletic and my partner constantly tells me "oh yes, but high heels are nice", I don't feel recognized as a woman. Everyone is unique and it's important that we recognize ourselves as we are. I need to be heard in my words. If, for example, I arrive at home and I say to you "I'm cold" and you say to me "let's see, the thermostat is at 27", I'm not talking about the temperature of the room, I'm talking about my own temperature. If I feel cold regardless of the outside temperature, I don't feel heard in my words. Another example, an event occurs and one of the partners expresses "that makes me sad", the other one answers him "there is not to be sad for that, there is not problem", I do not feel heard in my words. I express an emotion and what I get back is that it is not legitimate what I feel. So to be recognized as I am, as I am, to be heard in my words.
I also need to believe that tomorrow will be better. If I cannot, in my relationship, conceive, imagine and hope that tomorrow will be even better, it is the beginning of the end. Fourth need, we need to have a double and individual intimacy. So, I have my activities, I have my environment, I have my social, I have soups with friends, and we have activities together, moments together that we share as two. Double intimacy, single intimacy, individual intimacy, it is essential. Never forget that before you were in a relationship, you were an individual. Often, I see a real problem with families where everything is focused on the family. We'll come back to this in another capsule. But don't forget that you are an individual before being in a couple, before being a clan.
Another need, I need to know that I create influence and that there is a mutual influence, we influence each other. What that means is, in my day to day life, if every time I suggest something, it's not considered, my idea is not held, not shared or I'm made to feel like I'm completely silly or uninteresting anyway, I don't feel like I'm bringing to the relationship. So, it's still needs of the relationship.
I also need to know that I have value for the other person. Let me give you an example. You go to a dinner party with friends, you're in a restaurant, there are lots of people and your partner is chatting with everyone but you. He passes by you, no gesture of attention. It's possible that we talk on our own, but in an evening, there is a look, a smile, an attention when I pass by you. It makes you feel, it makes you recognize that I have value for you. And that is essential.
So, need to be heard in his words, need to be recognized as I am, need to know that I have value for you, need that we balance the single and double intimacy, need to know that I create influence, that we influence each other, need to know that tomorrow will be better because it is essential.
And one hyper important thing, which is the seventh and not the least, maybe we could put it first, more positive than negative. If my comments about my life partner are more often negative than positive, we leave with a catch. If the comments we make to each other are more often critical than complimentary, it is important that there are really more positives than negatives. If we are a couple, you and I, imagine that we stretch a ribbon between us. You hold your end, and I hold mine. This ribbon is what represents our relationship. When we don't nurture the relationship, when we don't take care of the needs of the relationship, it's as if we create knots in the scarf that unites us, that links us.
The problem is that it is thanks to this scarf, thanks to this link that unites us, that love can circulate between us. I'm going to give you a revelation: love is not enough to keep a relationship alive. You have to take care of the relationship and not create knots between the two. Good discovery!
