With love, two sayings exist since the dawn of time: Birds of a feather flock together and Opposites attract. Both can be construed as true. But is one more pertinent than the other?
Birds of a feather flock together
In a context where we want the best possible love compatibility, it would make sense to adhere to this first saying. Yet… While sharing many common criteria could help understanding, it doesn’t facilitate cultural differences and the discovery of the unknown. While it’s true that common tastes create a complicity allowing us to do activities that we can both enjoy, being too similar can lead to straight to boredom. A person who never leaves their comfort zone inevitably brings conversations that can always go round in circles. What’s more, if you both have explosive temperaments, your discussions could quickly take a Hiroshima-like turn when you disagree. Getting in a relationship with your clone is not necessarily a good idea.
Opposites attract
On the other hand, opposites will never be the victims of boredom. A couple carved on personality, cultural or religious differences can be very exciting at first, but quickly become heated. In fact, too many twists and turns can lead to conflicts. For example, you like tidiness but your partner always lets the place in disarray. Already, it’s a good start to fighting like cats and dogs. Then again, you could be a homebody and your spouse a social butterfly who likes to entertain. That’s another contentious subject taking shape in the horizon. While compromises are often possible at the beginning of the relationship—because of the desire to please the other and to show themselves in their best light—such differences can become irreconcilable with the return of our natural tendencies.
So, what should we look for?
The solution would be halfway between the two sayings. Ideally, it takes a bit of both to find balance. Of course, the key is to share common values, including the conception of life, love, family. It also takes differences to learn and to evolve with one another. Moreover, complementarity is important to compensate their weaknesses.
In regard to values and qualities sought after, there should be no compromise. On other issues, it’s preferable to be tolerant and open-minded. Like, if your partner is a cycling enthusiast and you’re passionate about knitting, is it that much of an issue? Only you have the answers.
So what should draw our attention and spark our interest toward another person? First, we must focus on the qualities that are essential and non-negotiable for us, such as generosity, fidelity, good listening. These qualities are the foundation of our values, our needs and our expectations. And, of course, we need to evaluate how we feel in the presence of the other. If this person shares the values you’re looking for but you constantly feel uncomfortable in their company, it’s better to listen and act in accordance to your inner voice. On the contrary, if you smile at the mere idea of seeing them again, it’s an excellent sign.
Finally, never invest in a relationship with someone you wish to change. It won’t work. You must connect with the other as a whole and not expect the miracles of love. Well-being is the quintessence of all healthy relationships.
